Year 2021 really taught me to find borders of my powers.
I always thought that I can achieve whatever I decide for, that the problem is typically only in our head. This year told me, it is not like it. That even the saying there fits always one more into the bus is at some point not valid. Most of the time we balance between empty and half-empty bus, still having huge amount of space left. But when we get to the real meaning of the word full, we cannot fit anything anymore and then we really learn what "full" means. It was an interesting experience. Realizing where the real borders actually are and how the body reacts.
It all started slowly in the 2020. Full of energy running with smiles and enthusiasm getting a new kid, enjoying how nicely everything can fit to one day. How we can easily have plans, walks, work when the kid sleeps, and even read a book when walking outside with a stroller. The online teaching due to COVID-19 in the spring of 2020 was actually just another benefit to make the days more entertaining and the feeling of superpowers even stronger. It was fun, until it got too much. There was more work than expected, the days were not getting longer and Robert was waking up all the night long. When the second wave of online school in the autumn arrived again, I knew it will be a challenge. The neverending online schooling forced us to speed up purchase of some bigger place to live. Add some paper deadlines and full work nights and then you enter the new year 2021 on the borders of your powers. Still happy, but overused and stressed. Knowing, that you really need a rest. My wish for 2021 was to get space for myself, slow down, start being again the happy and amazing mother and not "you are all the time just angry and sad. It is no fun with you anymore.".
The year 2021 seemed to start fine. The house was like the one from my dreams and it was coming to us. We signed a reservation contract in December, got keys in February and a week later were already distributing kids for their online school to different rooms in the house. Everybody was amazed. We loved it, kids loved it. It felt so great to have our own house, our own garden, our own garage, our own playground for next years. We started to enthusiastically work on the garden, cut wood by hand, build our own sandplace, our own woodsheds, and so on. I was amazed by the blossoms on the tree in the spring, by the garden changing colors during the year. Our first harvest of cucumbers and tomatoes and strawberries and peas and grapes and pumpkins and zuchinni...
All this was amazing, but my head was still tired and overused. There were basically no days where we could be with Jan alone, there were no days where we could really rest. If someone came to care for Robert, we just worked on the flat so we can prepare it for renting. My superpowers were shrinking and the promise from the beginning of the year that I will care for my sleep and get some real vacations was pushed away by ongoing work project, which was just work, but no happiness.
My accumulated tiredness transferred to my mood, my motivation, to my kids. I did not get real vacations and Robert was more and more demanding.
In the summer it peaked, when Robert started to get up every hour and half to breastfeed. Most probably the problem were his growing teeth, who knows. But after some weeks of this terrible torture, when I couldn't even take a shower after I put him to bed before he got up again, I got almost crazy. I couldn't bare it anymore. One day I was screaming and hiding under my blanket, that this is not possible, that I cannot handle it anymore. Desperate, devastated, broken to pieces. How should I even live my life, if he takes so much from me. Where is any fairness. How can I achieve again balance between the personal, professional, and family life. I was really desperate, feeling like a terrible mother and in parallel knowing, that this would be unbearable for most of the people. I wanted to give him love, I didn't want to hear him crying, but I couldn't go on anymore. I needed not to only give.
So in the end of the summer, Jan had to spend some sleepless nights full of scream with him. In 4 days or so, Robert started to manage to fall asleep with normal milk and in the night he allowed Jan to calm him down. He was still getting milk in the morning from me. Long story short. Even that was too much for me and two months later I stopped breastfeeding totally. The transfer from breastfeeding to not breastfeeding was really heart breaking and so much more difficult than with the girls. But it was necessary for all of us. Robert got a bit better, waking up only 3 times a night and it was not all on my shoulders so I could sleep some nights. Until he started to come to our bed. I was so tired, I had no powers left to bring him all the time back. But I truly hated it. I knew it is over my borders, but I was not able to do anything about it.
Why I describe all of this in such a detail is that it had terrific impact on our life. The long term tiredness was transferring to my health, to my mood, to our relationship. The fact that everybody around kept telling me, how old and tired I look like was not improving my mood. I knew it, I wanted to change it, but I didn't see the way how could it happen. It is difficult to be motivated for anything, to feel love and enthusiasm when you don't get space for yourself. Robert is the cutest boy in the world, especially during the day, but when he wants something, he has really a strong will.
In October, we got a nice date in Portugal where we could go together for a
paddleboard and next day for a dinner and for a walk with an ice-cream. It
was reminding me how much we lost by having a kid. I am with the most awesome partner with who I want to do all the things, but now, I cannot do any of them because all those things are so difficult with Robert. I can do them alone, but why should one select a partner and not just a babysitter for this? All what is then left is arguing who cooks the dinner and cleans the mess after the kids. It is so incredibly sad. It is amazing to have a kid, it brings so much happiness, but you loose so much in parallel. It is difficult to say if it is worth. Especially if you see directly on your older kids, that when they get bigger, they might not appreciate you at all. That from the parenting you never can expect the payback.
It was hurting me, when girls started to refuse to cooperate, trying where our borders are lying. They saw I am weak and they saw that they can play games with me. Some situations were really killing me and putting me really down. Like when I asked Jan to care for Robert and took them for the whole day for cross-country skiing and Terka was all the time super slow and frowning: "Yes, I go so slow, that you also suffer so that you do not take me next time again with you." "I wish I would have mother of Rosa instead of you." Maki was fine, until she hurt her heal, then started to complain about me so loudly that all the skiers in the area might hear it. Normally, I would just not take it personally, but in this state of mind it was touching my deepest inner self. Clearly showing me that I am not managing my life and parenting at all. What it was worth that Terka was on the way back talking to me and singing all the songs she knows. I was deeply touched.
Closing the year 2021 therefore felt very sad. There were so many amazing moments and things happening, but I didn't feel any happiness from them when I looked back. The fact, that we sacrificed our personal life and relationship to Robert and work was siting on my heart very heavily. I also saw a slow destruction of some other parents with young children during the last two challenging years.
Two, three weeks after the new year 2022 started, I slowly was seeing the light in the end of the tunnel.
Robert was finally getting up once or maximum twice a night, running to our bed and sleeping well till the morning.
I started running regularly and sleep a bit better.
I made a huge decision that something has to change this year, that I want to shine again, that I want to give girls a great role-model not the overworked tired angry mum. So I made the craziest decision and spent 3000 USD for a SOMBA Kickstart course. Finally, after 7 months of considering, I decided that I can try it. That it is worth trying. Believing that I can give those money back within a year to the kids saving account. I felt so happy that day and a week later I still feel really happy and enthusiastic. It was after months the real true happiness covering my head. I went running and didn't want to stop, running 12.5 km with a smile on my face. Trusting in myself. Now, I want to build this online course and see what happens.
I got rid of the CROW project, which was not bringing me a joy from research, but just work hours and I started to fully work on my own research project. Reading papers and thinking up new research paths is so much fun again.
I have a plan for a weekend for myself with friends without any kids. It could be for me the first night without Robert in the last 2 years.
We promised ourselves to care more about the time together. This still didn't happen but I hope for the bright future. Even if the kindergarden morning time should be used for dating.
Today, Jan finally finished last changes on his doctoral thesis and is ready to print and submit it.
Today, Robert went to the kindergarden for 2 hours and he loved it there.
I again start to allow myself to trust in the future, into the life. Believing, that I can get my former happy self back, although there is so much to recover and work on. And that by myself getting happy I can bring back our happy family life.
Comments
Post a Comment